• Skip to primary navigation
  • Skip to main content
  • Skip to primary sidebar
  • Standard Disclaimers
  • Resume/Curriculum Vitae
  • Why Blog?
  • About
  • (Somewhat Recent) Publication List

packetqueue.net

Musings on computer stuff, and things... and other stuff.

Uncategorized

May 12, 2014 Uncategorized

A Wendy’s Cheeseburger, Hepburn on my iPhone, and cancer

Read­ing Time: 9 min­utes

“ In my heart, I will always be the girl with­out the met­al, and you will always be the boy with all his bits.” – Quote from an old friend of mine, on our respec­tive sur­gi­cal expe­ri­ences

It’s a very sur­re­al thing to know how you’re going to die.  Most peo­ple my age don’t know what’s going to do them in, ulti­mate­ly.  That type of thing can play hav­oc with your psy­che.  I should know, since I have a rare, and in my case incur­able, type of can­cer.

But let’s pause for a sec­ond so I can explain why I’m writ­ing this before we get too deep into it.  I’m writ­ing this because I have a lot of friends who I don’t always see often, don’t always know what’s going on with me, and often won­der how I’m doing.  I’m also writ­ing because I just lost a good friend to can­cer, and I owe him a voice.  I’m not doing this for acco­lades, plat­i­tudes, or rec­om­men­da­tions that I read a bunch of goat-ball-lick­ing non­sense about pos­i­tive think­ing.  I’m doing this for a lot of rea­sons, but most­ly because I need to.

And now we’ll go back to the oth­er thing.  The can­cer.

Almost exact­ly two years ago, on May 5th of 2012, I woke up in immense pain in the area where my appen­dix used to be.  I don’t have it any­more, but I did then, and it hurt like a sono­fabitch.  Doc­tors always say that pain is pain, but if it wakes you up out of a cold hard sleep that’s a real­ly bad thing.

Being the guy that I am, I decid­ed to “take it easy” and work from home that day, think­ing all I real­ly need­ed was to relax.  After a full morn­ing of pain com­ing in waves, how­ev­er, in some­thing I can only describe as being as close to labor pains as I ever want to come, my wife drove me to the doc­tor.  That doc­tor was pret­ty sure I had appen­dici­tis and told me to go over to the hos­pi­tal imme­di­ate­ly.  Ass­hat that I am, I was mak­ing appen­dix jokes on Twit­ter all the way there.

Things improved immense­ly at the hos­pi­tal, but that was most­ly due to the copi­ous amounts of liquid-I-don’t‑give-a-fuck they were pump­ing into me.  I don’t think my wife was as relaxed, though we both still thought it was my appen­dix at that point.  Look­ing back, it’s kind of fun­ny what kinds of things seem like a big deal when you real­ly have no idea what’s actu­al­ly going on.

The first incli­na­tion we had that some­thing was going on besides my appen­dix being a stub­born lit­tle crab-ass (he got his even­tu­al­ly) was when the doc­tor came in and, doing his very best imi­ta­tion of a very wor­ried doc­tor try­ing not to look wor­ried, told us that he wasn’t sure what he was look­ing at, but if it was what he thought it was he want­ed me imme­di­ate­ly admit­ted to the Uni­ver­si­ty of Wash­ing­ton Med­ical Cen­ter.

UWMC is a very pres­ti­gious med­ical school and hos­pi­tal here in the Seat­tle area, and also runs the only lev­el one trau­ma cen­ter for a mul­ti-state region in the North­west; Har­borview Med­ical Cen­ter.  It is the best known hos­pi­tal in Seat­tle out­side of Seat­tle Grace, which is real­ly just a local news station’s build­ing and a Hol­ly­wood stu­dio set.  But I digress.

As it turned out, UWMC was full that night so the doc­tor had me trans­ferred by ambu­lance to Har­borview.  Now I don’t know about you, but when you go to the hos­pi­tal think­ing you’ve got some rou­tine thing, so rou­tine you’re mak­ing jokes about it, and a cou­ple hours lat­er you’re on a fuck­ing ambu­lance to one of the most seri­ous hos­pi­tals in the coun­try, the night has seri­ous­ly gone off the skids.

The ambu­lance ride was fair­ly unevent­ful, as was the check-in to the emer­gency room (pro tip: if you ever want to get seen quick­ly at the local E.R., come in an ambu­lance on a gur­ney).  Except for the ran­dom scream­ing in the cur­tained-off area to the left, the strapped down and guard­ed pris­on­er direct­ly ahead, the guy hav­ing epilep­tic seizures also across from me, and the home­less dude uri­nat­ing on him­self in the next bed over, it was almost peace­ful.  Again, strong dos­es of main­lined Dilau­did and Mor­phine have that effect.  Not quite enough to cov­er what came next, how­ev­er.

I had, by this point had mul­ti­ple imag­ing runs, exams by vary­ing types of doc­tors, and answered the same ques­tions mul­ti­ple times.  I think every sam­ple of every flu­id in me had been tak­en and sent off to secret gov­ern­ment run death-squad nin­ja sheep-cloning labs, and the ver­dict on at least the imme­di­ate prob­lem was pro­claimed by a very somber look­ing Aussie Doc­tor.  “You’re going to die” she said, then walked off.

Okay, I made that last part up.  She actu­al­ly said, “We think you have can­cer” and then went on to explain that they thought I had a very rare type of can­cer called neu­roen­docrine tumor can­cer, or NET.  She said the type I have is often referred to as Car­ci­noid, and tends to be some­what indolent—usually.  Of course I didn’t hear shit after the can­cer bit.  All I heard was that I was going to die, and then there was a buzzing in my ears, my eyes watered up, and I felt my wife squeez­ing my hand.

Fast for­ward through a bunch of imag­ing stud­ies, con­sul­ta­tions with dif­fer­ent doc­tors, and inva­sive tests (colonoscopy any­one?) and I had the humdinger of all humdinger surg­eries, at least in my life: a right hemi-colec­to­my.  And no, that’s noth­ing to do with shit­ting in a bag, so let’s not go there for all of our sakes.  It’s a surgery, which—in my case—involved sur­geons tak­ing out part of my small intes­tine, illeo­ce­cal valve, appen­dix (bas­tard), and about a third of my large intes­tine.  Then they duct tape it all back togeth­er, leav­ing you and your insur­ance a cou­ple hun­dred thou­sand poor­er.

In my case they also had to remove a rather large (4cm) can­cer­ous tumor, and a whole bunch (36) of lymph nodes.  Here’s the humdingi­est part: they cut a large ver­ti­cal inci­sion a few inch­es above and below my bel­ly-but­ton, pulled out all of the intestines, plop­ping them on my chest, then man­u­al­ly went through all of it just to make sure they found all of any kind of tumors hid­ing there.  I wasn’t awake for it—good for all of you, since I would have live-blogged the whole thing—but I’m told I was out for 10 hours or so.

Since then I’ve had one per­cu­ta­neous radio-fre­quen­cy abla­tion (RFA) to remove a metasta­t­ic tumor in my liv­er, and am about to go in for anoth­er one because they found anoth­er tumor.  My can­cer is stage IV, which means it’s spread out to remote areas—the liv­er for sure, at this point—and so these tumors are like­ly to keep crop­ping up with some fre­quen­cy.  “Dis­tant metas­ta­sis” is the doc­tor-approved term for that par­tic­u­lar behav­ior, the route-66-like wan­der­ing and then pop­ping up sud­den­ly for a cheese­burg­er some­where unex­pect­ed.  At least RFA is kind of cool, though, because they use radio-fre­quen­cy waves to burn the holy liv­ing baje­sus out of any tumor they find in my liv­er.  The bad part is it kind of hurts.

The prob­lem with hav­ing can­cer is that peo­ple tend to have an idea what it looks like on a per­son.  I’m sup­posed to look weak and maybe lose my hair.  Or I’m sup­posed to die, and then some­one can have a char­i­ty walk-a-thon in my name.  If I’m real­ly famous I might get a real­ly, real­ly bad tele­vised con­cert.  In any case, NET can­cer doesn’t always fit that pre­con­ceived notion, often because the thing that makes it so insidious—moving slowly—is the very thing that makes it almost incur­able, and keeps you alive longer.  So you don’t look too bad, all things con­sid­ered, even as your tumor bur­den and surgery famil­iar­i­ty grows.  Three surg­eries in two years, and I’m just get­ting start­ed.

NET can­cer is large­ly untreat­able by any­thing oth­er than surgery—the gold stan­dard for any can­cer.  Most can­cer treat­ments involve hav­ing chemo to shrink tumors enough that you can have surgery to get rid of what you can get to.  Rinse and repeat.  NET can­cer that is indo­lent doesn’t respond well to chemo, how­ev­er, so instead you’re left in a surgery-wait-surgery approach vis-à-vis treat­ment.  You sur­gi­cal­ly remove a tumor, then you wait, then you sur­gi­cal­ly remove the next one.  Even­tu­al­ly there are two tumors, then five, then twen­ty.  Even­tu­al­ly, surgery won’t work.

Am I luck­i­er than my friend Clay, who died a cou­ple of weeks ago at the age of 37 from an aggres­sive colon can­cer?  Cer­tain­ly I am.  I’m alive and he’s not.  He fought can­cer and lost, all at a hyper-fast pace and writ large across his social media chan­nels and the faces of his friends who watched it all hap­pen.  I can’t imag­ine what kind of anx­i­ety he had at the very end, but I dri­ve myself crazy imag­in­ing nonethe­less.

Neu­roen­docrine cells are found in many organs in your body.  At a layman’s lev­el, what they do is take input from your ner­vous sys­tem, and based on that they put out dif­fer­ent hor­mones, like, say, Sero­tonin.  As a com­put­er guy, I can appre­ci­ate a nice, sim­ple, input/output sys­tem.  And as long as these cells are nor­mal and healthy, that is exact­ly what you have: a clean, sim­ple, well-func­tion­ing sys­tem.  C’mon, no wham­mies!

On a relat­ed note, I’m told by many rep­utable sources that we all have can­cer cells in our bod­ies.  All a can­cer cell is to begin with is a cell that goes all wonky, gets hit in the nog­gin a bit too hard one day and is sud­den­ly like that weird cousin we all have…the one we only see at hol­i­days and who makes every­one uncom­fort­able, the one we keep the large knives hid­den from.  Nor­mal­ly our immune sys­tems can deal with these lit­tle mal­con­tents by dis­patch­ing lit­tle assas­sins to take them away and beat them to death.  Some­times, how­ev­er, there are too many of them, or they find a place to hide, and even­tu­al­ly our body sim­ply can’t deal with them.  Then we have a prob­lem.  Then, we have can­cer.  The type of cell that mutates or goes bad deter­mines the type of can­cer we get.  Liv­er cell?  Liv­er can­cer.  Prostate cell?  Prostate can­cer.  The can­cer cells also inher­it the behav­iors of the cells they used to be.  Cells that grow quick­ly become can­cer cells that grow quick­ly.  That’s one rea­son why some can­cers are more dan­ger­ous than oth­ers.  The adap­tive behav­iors of the cells they used to be works against us in try­ing to treat what they have become.

In my case, the neu­roen­docrine can­cer cells can still take inputs from the ner­vous sys­tem, and still out­put har­mones, but they do it on their own sched­ule, on their own time, in their own quan­ti­ties, and accord­ing to their own voli­tion.  So, ner­vous sys­tem says you need one pint of beer?  Too bad, you get five shots of high-test moon­shine instead, or maybe a steak, or here, just for­get the last five min­utes of what­ev­er you were doing.  Start­ing to see the pic­ture now?

Peo­ple ask me all the time why I don’t write more often, or con­sis­tent­ly.  Some­times it’s because I have noth­ing to say, but usu­al­ly it just comes down to the way my brain is func­tion­ing at any giv­en time.  My doc­tors have me on a vari­ety of dif­fer­ent med­i­cines.  Some for depres­sion, some for anx­i­ety, some for oth­er things, and some to coun­ter­act the effects of the oth­er drugs they gave me, all in an attempt to keep the hor­mones in check.  All of that makes it often dif­fi­cult to write with any sort of style, grace, or indeed point.

It also makes it dif­fi­cult to keep it all pulled togeth­er at all points of the day.  San­i­ty, I’m find­ing out, can be a bit of a high-wire act.  Morn­ings are good because I’m focused, excit­ed, and can do my job pret­ty damned well.  After­noons it takes a bit more effort, but I’m still all good.  I may not laugh at your inane jokes as read­i­ly, but I can still usu­al­ly man­age at least an effete, if not total­ly sin­cere chuck­le.  Evenings are a crap­shoot.  Evenings are hard­er, I think, because I’m more tired and pos­si­bly more removed from a vari­ety of drug effects.  I’m also told that hor­mone releas­es from my can­cer can be high­ly var­ied, and pos­si­bly evenings are just their time to par­ty.

I like writ­ing in the evenings.  It’s late as I type this.  At night my brain wan­ders like an under-uti­lized whore on a busy Fri­day evening.  I don’t have to wor­ry much about for­get­ting what I’m talk­ing about because it’s all right there in the his­tor­i­cal record.  Unfet­tered cre­ativ­i­ty meets a per­son­al nar­ra­tive and cap­ture device.  Just don’t expect as much out of a con­ver­sa­tion.

Talk­ing to peo­ple late at night is tricky.  On a bad night I’ll for­get what I’m say­ing after two sen­tences.  On a good night it might be more.  I’ll wan­der, jump sub­jects, and gen­er­al­ly segue like nobody you’ve ever met.  The best part though is that I often won’t remem­ber our con­ver­sa­tion at all.  Alco­hol glues it back togeth­er a bit, but doesn’t do much for the memory—probably not great for the can­cer either, though my oncol­o­gist doesn’t seem to mind.

Some­times the can­cer I’ve got can progress more rapid­ly, though mine is not.  Some­times it gets more aggres­sive, or starts more aggres­sive.  Steve Jobs did not have pan­cre­at­ic can­cer as is so often report­ed in the media.  He actu­al­ly had some­thing called a pNET, or pan­cre­at­ic neu­roen­docrine tumor can­cer.  That type is more aggres­sive than mine is today.  Dave Thomas of Wendy’s fame had NET can­cer, and so did Audrey Hep­burn.  Our can­cer is so rare, how­ev­er, that those are real­ly the only three famous peo­ple I know who’ve had it.  We don’t have a walk or celebri­ty spokesper­son.  We have surg­eries, and annoy­ing symp­toms, and more surg­eries.  And we slow­ly get worse.

I said at the out­set that I know what I’m going to die of.  That’s not entire­ly accu­rate as I could die of any­thing at all between now and when­ev­er the can­cer gets me, there­by rob­bing the can­cer of its victory—I often fan­ta­size about being killed by a coconut falling from the clutch­es of an African Swal­low, for instance.  But bar­ring that, I know that all of these tumors are push­ing chem­i­cals into my body that cause dam­age… chem­i­cals that if left untreat­ed will cause mas­sive heart and liv­er dam­age.  So we remove them when we find them, and treat them with drugs for all the in-between times.  It’s not a per­fect sys­tem by any means, but I’m still alive after two years, so I’ll take it.  And since this dis­ease leaves me with what doc­tors say could be an “almost nor­mal” lifes­pan, I’ll prob­a­bly have a chance to test my luck in myr­i­ad dif­fer­ent ways.

Monte Car­lo Baby!

Share

April 7, 2014 Uncategorized

Brocade Builds a Team of Visionaries

Read­ing Time: 1 minute

http://www.enterprisenetworkingplanet.com/datacenter/brocade-builds-a-team-of-visionaries.html

Share

March 28, 2014 Uncategorized

Packet Pushers Podcast and Network Field Day 7

Read­ing Time: 2 min­utes

“I think of myself as some­thing of a con­nois­seur of pro­cras­ti­na­tion, cre­ative and dogged in my approach to not get­ting things done.” Susan Orlean

Net­work Field Day 7 has long since come and gone, and it occurs to me that I haven’t yet writ­ten any­thing in my blog about the event.  Some of that is delib­er­ate as I’m putting a few of my best pieces out for pub­li­ca­tion to sites with a wider audi­ence than my hum­ble lit­tle blog can attract, but some of it is unin­ten­tion­al.  Some of it is just a result of the real­i­ty of how many hours are in a giv­en day.

As it turns out, the toll of 12 hour days at a new job does have an effect on my moti­va­tion, and between that and some class­es I’m tak­ing at the Uni­ver­si­ty of Mass­a­chu­setts Low­ell, I’ve had lit­tle time left for fam­i­ly and even less for the ran­dom thoughts or screeds I tend to push out here.  The good news is the class­es are end­ing soon, and the job will stabilize—they always do—and I’m plan­ning on refo­cus­ing most of my free time on my writ­ing.

So, look for a piece on Bro­cade to show up on the inter-webs soon—I’ll let you know here first—followed by some analy­sis of Avaya’s Short­est Path Bridg­ing (SPB) and Plexxi’s affini­ties and mar­ket plays.  I’ll prob­a­bly throw some ran­dom stuff in there too, just because I find that if I go too long with­out blow­ing the dog whis­tle about some­thing or oth­er, I tend to get punchy.  And nobody needs to see that.

In the mean time, and by way of a pre­view of some of my thoughts, I’m includ­ing the links below to a two-part Pack­et Push­ers’ Pod­cast where a few of the del­e­gates from NFD7—includ­ing this hum­ble author—waxed poet­ic on the event, the ven­dors, indus­try trends, and uni­corns.  I hope this sates the appetite for now, and know that more will be com­ing.

Pack­et Push­ers Pod­cast – Net­work Field Day 7 Part 1

Pack­et Push­ers Pod­cast – Net­work Field Day 7 Part 2

Share

March 16, 2014 Uncategorized

The Writing Process as Photography

Read­ing Time: 1 minute

I’m cur­rent­ly work­ing on mul­ti­ple writ­ing projects, as well as look­ing for­ward to begin­ning a new, dif­fer­ent gig tomor­row, so my office is a bit messy.  With all the books and stud­ies seem­ing to point toward messy, clut­tered offices as proof pos­i­tive in the search for cre­ativ­i­ty, I offer the fol­low­ing with­out com­ment, and will get back to the writ­ing.

Teren_Office-1

Share

February 28, 2014 Uncategorized

Choice or the Illusion of Choice

Read­ing Time: 1 minute

I recent­ly wrote an arti­cle for searchS­DN at TechTar­get on the sub­ject of choice in the SDN mar­kets.  The gist of the arti­cle was that from a mar­ket­ing per­spec­tive one of the most effec­tive strate­gies in a clut­tered mar­ket is to reduce the con­sumer’s per­ceived choice to a bina­ry state.  It hap­pens all the time, and I used the exam­ple of Coke vs. Pep­si to illus­trate this.  My recent trav­els and ven­dor meet­ings as a del­e­gate to Net­work­ing Field Day 7 only served to solid­i­fy my think­ing in this area, with so many cut­ting edge and estab­lished ven­dors alike push­ing oft com­pet­ing visions for the future of net­work­ing.  I’ll be writ­ing more about Bro­cade, Plexxi, Avaya, and Pluribus Net­works in speci­fici­ty soon, but for now check out my thoughts on the illu­sion of choice and let me know what you think.

Share

February 25, 2014 Uncategorized

On Buggy Whips and Restlessness

Read­ing Time: 3 min­utes

Two roads diverged in a yel­low wood,
And sor­ry I could not trav­el both
And be one trav­el­er, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the under­growth;

Then took the oth­er, as just as fair,
And hav­ing per­haps the bet­ter claim,
Because it was grassy and want­ed wear;
Though as for that the pass­ing there
Had worn them real­ly about the same,

And both that morn­ing equal­ly lay
In leaves no step had trod­den black.
Oh, I kept the first for anoth­er day!
Yet know­ing how way leads on to way,
I doubt­ed if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Some­where ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less trav­eled by,
And that has made all the dif­fer­ence.

“The Road Not Tak­en” –Robert Frost

It is an inter­est­ing obser­va­tion that when most ear­ly Eng­lish or Lit­er­a­ture majors first read that famous poem by Robert Frost, they ana­lyze the choice the pro­tag­o­nist makes as a pos­i­tive one.  In fact, the ram­i­fi­ca­tions of the choice are nev­er allud­ed to or men­tioned.  It is sim­ply that there was a choice to be made, and while many peo­ple chose one path, the pro­tag­o­nist took a dif­fer­ent one—for bet­ter or for worse—and that affect­ed the out­come of his or her life.  Recent­ly, I made such a choice myself.

I have writ­ten, at times over the years, about the per­ils of IT Man­age­ment.  I have also writ­ten about the var­i­ous bureau­crat­ic idio­syn­crasies of work­ing in the enter­prise space, espe­cial­ly at a multi­na­tion­al defense con­trac­tor.  And most recent­ly, I have writ­ten about my over­all dis­sat­is­fac­tion with the whole lot of it.  Now I am doing some­thing about it.

Yes­ter­day, I resigned my posi­tion as IT Direc­tor of the com­pa­ny I have worked at for near­ly eight years and accept­ed an offer to get back out into the world and change my view for a while.  Begin­ning March 17th, I’ll be a part of the team at World Wide Tech­nol­o­gy (WWT) in a con­sult­ing engi­neer­ing role.  It’s been a tough deci­sion in a lot of ways, but I think it’s the right one for a cou­ple of rea­sons.

The world of IT is chang­ing on all fronts, it’s chang­ing rapid­ly, and I need to be a part of that change. My recent trip to San Jose for Net­work Field Day 7 (a part of the broad­er Tech Field Day orga­ni­za­tion, and some­thing I’ll be writ­ing about more soon) real­ly burned that into my mind, but I’d been rest­less for a while.  Rapid change is some­thing that you have to be in a posi­tion to har­ness and to ben­e­fit from, and the fact is that despite my title and acco­lades, I haven’t been where I need to be for long time.

Sure, I have had incred­i­ble oppor­tu­ni­ties in the last few years, per­son­al­ly knock­ing off a list of accom­plish­ments that I can be proud of: mov­ing to a ful­ly dual-stacked IPv4/v6 envi­ron­ment; learn­ing and per­form­ing a full scale Flex­Pod build-out; restruc­tur­ing the entire world-wide rout­ing and switch­ing infra­struc­ture in a large envi­ron­ment; being at the fore­front of adopt­ing full-scale vir­tu­al­iza­tion begin­ning back in 2005; and build­ing up a com­plete IT team from scratch.  But now that we’re there, and most things are fixed and run­ning smooth­ly, we’re in a main­te­nance mode—there’s no more chal­lenge to be had, noth­ing on the hori­zon, and I’m not a patient per­son.

The real­i­ty is, if you’re not at a com­pa­ny where IT is core to the busi­ness mod­el, a lot of the tech­nol­o­gy out in the world is sim­ply not some­thing you’ll get to see, touch, or know about bar­ring the stan­dard thing all of us in the indus­try do, which is to read and study on our own time. And if you’re in an indus­try based around tech­nol­o­gy that hasn’t changed appre­cia­bly in over 60 years, it can feel at times like work­ing for the prover­bial bug­gy-whip man­u­fac­tur­er and watch­ing the new horse­less car­riages rolling by your win­dow.

At the end of the day, I don’t need to have a team to be hap­py.  I don’t have to have a title to feed my ego.  What I real­ly need is to be involved.  I need to be involved in shap­ing the future, in chang­ing the sta­tus quo, in mov­ing the ball for­ward against a wall of stag­na­tion and staid old polit­i­cal boss­es who have no inter­est in change.  Time will tell if this move gets me clos­er or fur­ther away from that goal, but at this point, today, for me, it’s Frost’s road less trav­eled and I’m going to see where it leads.

 

Share
  • « Previous Page
  • Page 1
  • Page 2
  • Page 3
  • Page 4
  • …
  • Page 7
  • Next Page »

Copyright© 2023 · by Shay Bocks